*** For more cricketing bafoonery like this, download TWO free chapters of my debut book – CHASING SACHIN, about one village cricketer’s (i.e. ME) attempt to bowl Sachin Tendulkar during last summer’s tour of England – here: Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER and Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER 2 ***
Oh dear. Poor old cricket is having a tough time of it at the moment, isn’t it?
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or existing in some desolate, windswept and colourless wasteland, devoid of any modern telecommunications (or ‘Scotland’ as it’s more commonly known), you’ll know all about the spot fixing trial that threatens to shake cricket to it’s very foundations.
You’ll have heard that Mohammad Amir – one of the most prodigiously talented young quicks in the game, and owner of some of the must lustrous locks ever seen on an outfield – has effectively ended his career for, if whispers are to be believed, just a couple of thousand pounds.
That’s not even enough to buy you a seven-year-old Toyota Yaris with 100,000 miles on the clock (I checked). To say it’s a waste is an understatement. A bloody Toyota Yaris.
But enough other cricket scribblers will pore over the finer points of that case, and its ramifications. What I’m here to do, is remind you, dear reader, that its not all doom and gloom out there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The game will survive. There are big things ahead.
And none bigger, if you ask me, than Sachin’s imminent 100th hundred. It’s coming. It’s going to be bloody brilliant. It’s going to be game-changing, in a rather more positive fashion than the events at Southwark are. It’s going to be so good, even Shiv Chanderpaul might crack a smile.
So here is my step-by-step guide on how to celebrate the moment when little Sachin, the Master Blaster, the Greatest – whatever you want to call him – finally makes history…whether you’re Indian, English, Australian, Pakistani, there are instructions here for you. Enjoy.
1. IF YOU’RE AN INDIA FAN:
Come on. If you’re an Indian fan, you don’t need my help. You already know what to do. You need to book a week off work, hug everyone you’ve ever met and charge, screaming wildly, through the streets chanting the great man’s name. If you’re about to have a child, be it girl or boy, that kid needs to named after Sachin.
That much is obvious. But spare a thought for one man as you toast Sachin’s outrageously brilliant achievement. Poor old Rahul Dravid. He’s pretty special too. If you’re having twins, name the other one Rahul. It’s only fair.
2. IF YOU’RE AN ENGLAND FAN:
Right, England fans, you have two options.
1. Toast Sachin’s feat as the near miracle it is, and doff your cap to the career of a man whose run-scoring abilities are unlikely to ever equalled. Contemplate uttering the phrase ‘flat sub-continent pitches’, but think better of it. Well done you.
2. Run down to the bookmakers and put £5 on Alistair Cook notching 150 international centuries. And £2 on Ravi Bopara becoming England captain in 2015. And a cheeky quid on Graeme Swann replacing Louis Walsh on the X-Factor. They’re all about the same odds. Apart from the last one, which will probably happen. He’s not really that keen on being a match-winning spinner anymore, is he?
3. IF YOU’RE AN AUSTRALIA FAN:
These words will suffice when Sachin brings up his 100th hundred: “He’s good, but he’s no Bradman.” If you are a Shane Watson fan (i.e if you are actually Shane Watson himself), the phrase will be: “He’s good, but he’s no Watto.”
4. IF YOU’RE A WEST INDIES FAN:
Start chanting “Brian Charles Lara.” Repeat ad infinitum.
5. IF YOU’RE A SOUTH AFRICA FAN:
Point out that while you are impressed with Sachin’s achievement, Jacques Kallis is better, and was also a world-class bowler, and can benchpress more, and has trendier (albeit shop-bought) hair.
6. IF YOU’RE A NEW ZEALAND FAN:
What the hell are you doing watching cricket? You just won the Rugby World Cup. Milk that for a bit longer.
7. AND LAST, BUT BY NO MEANS LEAST, IF YOU’RE A PAKISTAN FAN:
Just watch this. It’ll cheer you up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vEMdsupAxY
*** For more cricketing bafoonery like this, download a free chapters of my debut book – CHASING SACHIN, about one village cricketer’s (i.e. ME) attempt to bowl Sachin Tendulkar during last summer’s tour of England – here: Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER and Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER 2 ***
*** Or to pre-order the book, head to WH Smith http://www.whsmith.co.uk/CatalogAndSearch/ProductDetails.aspx?productID=9781908051516 ***