Swanny – The Unpublished Chapters #1

26 Oct

*** For more cricketing bafoonery like this, download TWO free chapters of my debut book – CHASING SACHIN, about one village cricketer’s (i.e. ME) attempt to bowl Sachin Tendulkar during last summer’s tour of England – here: Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER and Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER 2***

Dear reader,

As I’m sure you will all be aware by now, loveable rogue  and ‘world’s best spinner’ (sic) Graeme Swann has taken a break from video-blogging and taking the p*ss out of Steven Finn on twitter for long enough to release his autobiography.

But while the criticism of KP’s captaincy and Swanny’s tale of Darren Gough punching him in a gents toilet both survived the editing process, I can now exclusively reveal that some rather more controversial segments were removed by his publishers.

And guess what? I’ve got my hands on them. Read on to find out what Swanny really thinks of Andrew Strauss, and more of his fellow England stars…



“I remember when I made my debut out in India in 2008 (when KP was captain – or should I say ‘captain’), and Straussy made a ton in both innings and we still lost.

I remember thinking at the time: ‘Bloody hell, well done Straussy.’ So I went up to him in the changing room after the game and said: ‘Bloody hell, well done Straussy’. Then I ‘de-bagged’ him in front of the lads! Classic! It was so bloody funny, I just yanked his trousers down and he was stood there in his underpants, looking like a right plum. Vintage English humour, that.

I looked round the room and everyone was laughing, including Straussy, who said it reminded him of being back at public school. I was only on debut, but I wanted to show what sort of madcap, crazy character I was (and still am).

It had worked a treat. A lot of the lads were telling me it was ‘top banter’ and even KP was trying to join in. He put his hand up to high-five me, but I pretended I had something in my eye and left him hanging. Brilliant!

From that moment on, Straussy and I were close, but things changed after he got the captaincy (I forget who he got it from – oh yeah, KP, ha!).

I remember Straussy gathered us for a team talk after we’d been knocked over for 51 in the second innings of the 1st Test at Sabina Park against the West Indies. It was his first Test in charge of the side and bloody hell, it was a fraught changing room. We’d been thrashed and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. It was more intense than a boy scout on a camping trip. (Geddit? Intense – in tents? Classic!)

Straussy looked livid. He was telling us in no uncertain terms that what he’d just witnessed was inexcusable. I felt a bit smug because I hadn’t played, so really, this shambles was nothing to do with me, but I paid attention out of respect for the way Straussy had taken the de-bagging I’d given him in India.

But still, the mood was dark. I looked around at the lads faces as they took their telling-off. Not a smiling face among them. Belly looked like he was going to burst into tears when Straussy told him he’d shot more impressive things than him while out hunting. It was very downcast.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea flashed into my head; the sort of idea that transforms a depressed, defeated dressing room into a place of positivity and sunshine again. This was my moment to turn these collection of frowns upside down.

I leapt from my seat and charged towards Straussy and in one fluid motion, tore his trousers down to the floor, and burst out into hysterical laughter. I’d done it again! Vintage. Classic. Swanny at his best, that is.

Well, to my surprise, you could have heard a pin drop. The lads were all staring at me, with their mouths wide open in shock. I could tell they were loving it (how could they not), but they just couldn’t believe I’d pulled off such an awesome prank at such a serious and dramatic moment.

Some of them were shaking their heads, as if to say ‘Swanny, you legend, I can’t believe you, you bloody legend!’ Cooky looked like he was about to cry, either with laughter or downright jealousy that I’d managed to get Straussy down to his pants. Either way…brilliant.

But Straussy was a changed man. He wasn’t laughing. In fact, he was scowling. He looked absolutely bloody furious. ‘Chill out Straussy!’ I shouted, and put my hand up for a high five. ‘High five!’ I shouted, in my best Borat voice. But just like I’d left KP hanging in India, so Straussy left me hanging. My hand seemed to hang their, limply, for hours.

From that moment on, my relationship with Straussy changed. No more public de-bagging, he said, especially during team meetings. No more whipping him with my towel. No more giving him a dead arm just as he goes out to bat. No more scaring Alistair Cook with scary stories.

This was a man to be respected. This was a man who could turn England into the best Test team in the world. And this was also a man that would confiscate my sweets and make me sit on the naughty step if I misbehaved. I knew where I stood, but something was bothering me.

‘But Straussy,’ I said to him as we made our way back to the hotel in Kingston, ‘I love pranks. I love de-bagging people. I need an outlet. If I don’t pull somebody’s trousers down in that changing room, I’m going to go crackers. Don’t fence me in.’

‘Well Swanny,’ he said, with a smile, ‘that’s what Ian Bell is here for’.

We shook hands, and never spoke of the incident again. Straussy still laughs whenever I get Belly these days. That’s why he’s a proper captain. And that’s why I love him.”

*** For more cricketing bafoonery like this, download TWO free chapters of my debut book – CHASING SACHIN, about one village cricketer’s (i.e. ME) attempt to bowl Sachin Tendulkar during last summer’s tour of England – here: Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER and Chasing Sachin – FREE CHAPTER 2***

Or to pre-order the book, head to WH Smith http://www.whsmith.co.uk/CatalogAndSearch/ProductDetails.aspx?productID=9781908051516

Obviously, these chapters from Swanny’s book are totally unofficial and just a joke. Not real. His real book is very good. Go and buy it.



One Response to “Swanny – The Unpublished Chapters #1”

  1. naked cricket October 27, 2011 at 7:38 pm #


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